Dear Irregular Staff:

My new brother, Lord Quimby Pond MCC, and I wish you a wicked-good merry Maine Coon Christmas and a catnip-filled 2010. Similar tabby greetings are extended to you from my other brother, the Amazing Leoparini. Search “Lord Quimby Pond says hello” in YouTube for his introductory greetings to all of you.

I am pleased to report to you the proceedings of the 17th World Feline Conference: Katmandu Online. With a cat’s eye on a humane world order, PoleCat (Department of Political Catastrophes) has catalogued the two-leggers’ current catalepsy in instituting necessary cultural changes. The cat’s paws seen on CATV are reporting nationwide Health Care Cataclysm. Their clever catch words are designed to cathect feline focus away from the actual hairball that plugs the pathway to meaningful change. We need to categorize and catgut these misleading catch phrases.

BELTWAY: This is not a highway around the Capital as you have been led to believe. The beltway is the path around the center of the human and is THE focus of two-legger insecurity and concern. When you see references to “the human dimension” in literature, it is the Beltway that is being discussed.

INFLATION: This is not economic nomenclature. Inflation is the unfortunate expansion of the Beltway leading to bloating, discomfort and wardrobe disorders. With tight clothing and gas, the two-leggers are in no condition to produce necessary social changes. THERE IS NO HEALTH CARE CRISES; only gastronomic expansion and junk food induced catatonia. Again, the plague of the hand-held devices inhibits the necessary exercise for proper catabolism inside the Beltway. Movement toward the refrigerator does not equal movement toward a humane world order!

Polecat is suggesting an ongoing Gash-and-Dash program.

Our catkin are encouraged to claw the two-leggers’ valuables thus promoting a chase in which their Beltway catabolism can occur. Once out of their seats, the remote controls are ours to reprogram political priorities… free and open access to tuna, catnip and use of catapults without lengthy security checks. Let us de-energize this Capitol Hill cathode about us launching ourselves recreationally. We pose no national security threats when landing in the designated Catchment Areas. Catapulting is a categorical imperative for every feline.

The 2010 Catlas of five-Meow Vacation Spots

Lord Quimby Pond’s CAT scan of the travel industry reveals that the trend is no longer specific destinations but rather, Circumstantial Alternative Tourism (C.A.T.). This is the process to catalyze any meeting place: food bowl, litter box, upholstery shredding site, into a vacation zone, The itinerary is fittingly called M.I.C.E.: meeting… incentive... conference… exhibition.

The amazing Leoparini’s catcall on how to enjoy M.I.C.E. is: catenulate, catnip, catfish, caterwaul and catapult.

Well friends, enough cat-mapping for now. I hope that you receive everything on your catalyst this Christmas morning.
Mainely yours,
Lady Rangeley MCC
Aliquippa, Pa.